you know...
i thought i had found her..
my inspiration../the elusive spirit that owuld put an end to my miseries i tho upon myself. someone who would help me sort out who i am.....

but guess what..no such thing...
shes hardly even aware of my existence...
and why should she be anyway..who am i really..a nothing..a non existent person as far as she is concerned.

i need to gain my self respect back...its been years now...when will i reegain the reins......
ive ben reeling around like a loose spirit for years now..i need to figure it all out and get down to my life again...
i need t understand who i really am...

i need to find me

Shame can eat you hollow. It swirls like a sick acid in your insides, eating away the essence that was you...what used to be you anyway. It makes you hate the one person you need to be the most honest with, the one person who needs to respect you the most and the one person who might understand the best, yourself.
But what will you do if u lie in self contempt and disgrace. when the very essence of your survival, your honour is assaulted by your own actions. When you let situations and emotions haunt you so much that you become a useless little slob.
What would you do if the person you respected the most, the person you rever and look upto; might start hating you and look down upon you in contempt. when that person cant even stand talking to you and all you do is sit with your face burried in your hands.

shame can eat you alive, specially when your idol herself casts you down...


im sorry **.

Inspiration...thats the missing ingredient in my life
Once she went out and so did everyone else who was adding to the trash in my brain..i seem to have lost track of where my life's headed..
earlier everything was done keeping her in mind..i had to get a job so that this and go to this city so that that...or save money for her and this and god knows what not

but now that our "relation" is severed i get the feeling that I'm a free man..but I've lost direction on the road i was traveling
i don't know my priorities in life and I've lost the biggest inspiration a man can have
I'm like a ball rolling along without a purpose not knowing where to stop or slow down or turn..... every thing's just another continuation of the present now........confusion persists in everything.

I don't know what i want to do for a living or what my lifestyle should be like..what my academic and my personal priorities should be and i havent take nthe time out ot figure it out..even though i had enough time..

was t because i was too confused to understand this in my brain or maybe i was too scared of the fact that such a mess was present in my mind when i was telling myself all the time that all my troubles and hurdles are now gone.. I'm a free man.
I'm a free man without a road to travel on.................

i need to slow down and take count....need to understand what i want and what i should do...but everything around me is happening so fast...i have goals i want to achieve right now or goals for the future..but they conflict with other incoming ideas or in other cases i dont knwo how i am to end up achieving these goals.............

im sick of this blog

i think ill delete it or continue ignoring it like i was for so many days

someone told me its best notto del your blogs...might repent later.......i think ill heed her advice(yes yet again a female..)

Heylo ppl...some days ago...my friend said to me.."People can die of gloom reading your blog".

And i was like..."what???!"

then i had a look at it and i understood it properly.

Music, is my saviour. it's true love.

Wheni was down, during my +2 years. when i had no one to talk to. no one to share my darkness with. no blogs to let it out. no friends to share it with. no body to call my own.

I Found music.

The beatles were a band i had always loved. but slowly, as i started making music my religion i saw a new dimnsion to them
Paul,George,Ringo and John were no longer just beautiful melodies. they were lessons. they were emotions. they were feelings. they were messages. in a song a peerson shares his innermost and truest feelings with you in such a subtle way that if they were to just stand in front of you and say those words you'd call them a whack-job or looney.

then i came to metallica. fo the first time in ages i heard some dark music other than Pink Floyds 'Hey You' (Hey you, out there in the cold;Getting lonely, getting old : Hey you, out there on your own,Sitting naked by the phone)
Metallica was strong and powerful. Negative emotions of anger and loss. of frustration and loneliness. They helped me more than i could ever thank them for.
The effect of recklessly headbanging away to those metal calssics like master of puppets,Ride the Lightning,Fade to Black,Unforgiven,For whom the bell tollls,Seek n Destroy,Creeping Death was enough for me to drown my bad times in.

Lost!

Thats been one hell of a consistency with me. I've always been lost in some way or the other. Never knew if I wanted to be an engineer or not. Now that I'm in college I don't know what I want to do, but i do know that I do like where I presently am (though sometimes i have my doubts).

Everyone has their 'Thing'. In the movie You.ME n Dupree the Dupree says, "everyone has a characteristic 'ness'. that 'ness' is the word ness attached to your name. like Carl has his Carlness that makes him stand out'

I Guess being lost and so confused about things that appear clear is my 'Ness.

To the people who haven't, id like you to read this blog first. i think my most personal and driven thing I've ever written.






http://vallinor.blogspot.com/2006/07/utopia.html


Thanks.

Anki, get a girlfriend for yourself.
Ya, right,forget it.

This has been one of our most repetitive conversations. her telling me to move on and my defiance. But what is moving on. does it mean i stop loving her. or does it mean i start going around with someone else. i think it means i no longer have any hopes attached with her and dont close myelf to the coming days.
i wont stop loving her. but will i ever agree to start going out with someone.
which leads me to the question thats been bugging me for a few days.(bear with me please, this is the first time that im writing something without feeling any kind of a high).

Do i need a girlfriend?

the answer in a simple yes or no could be impossible but if we take strict answers then answer might be No. i can survive without a girlfriend. survive and be happy.


but would it be so much better for me if i had a special someone. id like to have someone i can call up in the middle of the night and say i love you to.
someone i can hold in my arms and whisper soft endeearments to.

"im thirst for your love..dancing underneath th skies of lust"

love and lust can make you do crazy things.....im obsessed with love....it defines me....
i guess thats just the most repetitive line of all my entires.......it defines me....angel,,,thas what i used to call her...still rem when i had first talked to her...properly...
her voice..it was like a thousand chimes singing in harmony with the rain laden wind...
her stare as she stood silently was like the glimmer of a million stars..all sparkling in a perfect sky as the sun set in a rise..and the rainbow suddenly jumped out of nowhere.....
the luciosu curve of her lips as she said hi...the rare moment in life when i was suddenly deaf..adn then back to normal..listenin to her beautifull voice..as it seared through my brain...burning me into a lust i did not know i could posses..
lust not of the skin..lust of the high..the highg of love....its worse than any drung youve ever heard of ...
once youve just felt it...jsut seen it..you ache for it...you cant stay alive without htinking about it every 3.09757 seconds..
its the dominant ..the prima...the Sngular thought that keeps churning in your mind....

man.....that day...when i had met her properly for the first time...she ..she was an angel...i saw her on her balcony.....flexing as the wind rustled through her dress and the setting sun shone on her beautifull face...a glory to the beauty god could create..only once..
the tender dance of the wind as it flirted around her body..the cloth flapping in the wind...teasing me for another glance of her face......
i caressed the wind as it slowly brough a scent of her to me..a scent so divine that no words can define it..
the king of all drugs.,..just once single sniff and i was captivated.....
why....why did i fall in love.!!!
too late now...its already done...(forget for a moment the tragedy and live on the beauty that can make you survive)........she came gliding down the slope of the road..walking ..or gliding on it..i could not see what...i was trasfixed on her face
on beauty...divine...the feeling of love as it surged through my body...tearing my muscles into a mass of liquid tension..my knees buckled and i almost fell.....
ill tell ya more someday later......right now i think ill jsut go and kill myself....
signed -
a lover forever in love with the one person he cannot have