i have felt love...true and pure.
true love is that which is pure and divine.
true love is the love forlorn. the love hurt. the love ignored. the raw feeling of guilt you get from just seeing her face in tears. how you feel helpless at her first sob. how you can just tear the world apart for her haphappiness. how you can throw your own love for her into the rubbish just so that you can make her happy once again. how you can feel the pain, of love.

nothing hurts worse than love.

i have been in love. and i belive it happens only once. ive been there. i never will again. atleast not in the same way. my life is a big mess and i know not what to do with it. its a mess. its my mess. i have to live with it. even if it means shunning that which defiens me, away from me./ dont know what ive written so ill just shut up n go lie down.

what is love
is it the feeling you get when you reach the top of your hill, called life, look down at it and then fall down,not into the abyss of the mountain but into the arms of the one you love
love is divine, it hurts it cures. it feels it numbs, its warmth can chill you to the bones and leave you crying in desperation.
my life can be so hollow at times. my love is gone, shes no more a part of my life. the difination of me is no more. but i seek love again.i know i will never find it, but the very purity and strenght of love is so strong that the lusr ofr it can drive a man mad for a life time. i search for those warm hadns that can shelter me from the cold when i lie crying on the floor. love is warmth, it is the fire that kindles deep inside you, one that can burn all your fears away and liberate yyou from the dark assaults of time and sorrow, of pain and betrayel.
i seek a companion, not a lover, becuase i myself do not belive that anyone can love me like i have loved once. I stare back at those days, a stranger to the feeling again. did i betray her. did i betray myself.
no. she left me stranded in the rain. i had no option but to go back home if i had to survive, or i could have withered in the swallows of her quicksand.
i seek love, or atlest someone to hold on to. someone i can hold onto. someone i can love. someone whom i can take care of. caress her hair and whisper sweeet nothings in her ears. drown myself in the drunkeness of her eyes, be lost in the mystique of her life and to float away in the scent emanating from her body and feel the warmth of her soul. i want to love.
i want to survive. i want to live.
Oneday, i will find her. find my wife, my partner for the travels of life. find my love, my beauty, my inspiration, my love, my lady, my life, my definition, my compliment ,my supplement. find taht which makes me ME

Another night, another demise,
Cadaverous wind blowing cold as ice.
I`ll let the wind blow out the light,
'Cuz it gets more painful Every Time I die.

Out of strength to fight,
I cannot take another night.
I cannot take it no more,
Lust of light slips through my fingers.
Like blood drips off my arms,
Black candle wax has buried me.
Children of Bodom - Everytime I Die

A few days ago I had written some thing in my copy...something about being betrayed. again and again.....not what I’ve written down here...much, much more than this........there I had written down one line...

A line which I regret having ever written.

Will I ever trust again?
Yes.

Can I be more fucked up than this....No Way.....? My trust has been betrayed too often now..... I can’t take it no more... I’m no byway that you can just trample on... Say sorry (or not) and move on..........I won’t trust again. I wont love again...I wont feel those feelings again.....better to die. Than be betrayed again...will not take the risk of trusting anyone again...

will this mean that my friendship will be hollow from now? A hollow promise...like the ones I've always gotten..........

maybe so...maybe...or else. I might not even give that fake promise even..........

Trust is the thing that I held at the top of y list...along with respect. And loyalty......if these don’t exist...the relation doesn’t expect.

I want to forget how to trust...how to expect...how to expect people to be...nice....how to expect people to be kind...how to expect people to understand...

They’re all fuckin liars.....all of them

YOU…??

Yes you.....even 'you'...I don’t even trust you...ya, you too angel, even you...whoever you may be....I cant even trust myself now...what might I put myself through next...another torture.........

These last few months have been eye openers.........I have learnt...........that only a fool is foolish enough to trust everyone around him...I was such a fool...no more...!!

Come in closer...stare at my eyes. See the poorest man in the world drowning in wealth. Look at me... stare at my face. I’m the freak your life told you to be afraid of. I am so many things...but none of them are any of the many things I’m supposed to be.
I am supposed to be this righteous and upright school captain...something I don’t think I ever lived up to be.
I was supposed to be an understanding brother with a cool attitude...I wasn’t...I let them down...doesn’t ask me why...I don’t know.
I’m supposed to be a lot of things...and I’m none of them....
how do I know that....that’s coz of the things that happen to me…I can see I never lived up to those expectations I had built up in the eyes of those around me..... I can’t be successful...ever...call me a defeatist...call me whatever you want...the point is...I lost...I was weak...I had the potential to win...but I guess I can never realize that potential in real terms.
I’m a lost cause....don’t sink with me....go...go live your life where I cant ruin it for you.


god...............!!!
help me...please...I’m weak....too weak to carry on....they will laugh at me...For being a weakling....but should I hide it...I guess Ii am ..........weak.......................

A stranger in my own town.
The people I had held so close to myself are now deserting me, betraying me or simply ignoring me. It’s at times like these that I thank myself for having an alter-ego....one that can handle all these roughs of life. One which has seen through the veil into the real eyes of humanity . One that knows what really lies behind every face/. I know the selfishness that guides us...that forms our existence. Five betrayals in half a month. I should have been crippled...I almost was. Had it not been for my being used to this, I would have been...a cripple and don’t know when I would have recovered...I have learnt to have my expectations broken.

two 'friends' of mine....I had started trusting them...very, very much.....we were close ... a group ...worked together ...studied together .. took on the world together.....then they stabbed me.

two younger brothers of mine......same result....fuckin nuthin means more to them than themselves...I’m drinking my own tears as I sit and contemplate why then never told me anything....what had been my mistake........what had I done that they became so distant......they just left me standing in the rain. Wet and morose.

Another person I had held close to my heart...almost a very good friend of mine…or more....she is ignoring me...again I know not why....just that id better get lost......I will...I intend to.....again…I will go back into my small jail inside my mind.....one where I can lie still without anyone probing.

when your alone...no one can hurt you...you have no feelings...so how can you be hurt...ha ha.....schizo ..................!!!!!!!

down in a hole,,,,loosing my soul....down in a hole..... feeling so small.....down in a hole....out of controle.. id like to fly..but my wings have been so denied...!!!
Alice in Chains - Down in a hole

I’m a broken man... I cant tell anyone about it.....but I’m writing about it right here...one place where I can let it all out and not feel the shocks it would have otherwise generated.

even she is gone now... has my love gone too...???
I need to mourn....will I....?? When can I..??? I can’t afford to sit down and mourn...time flies by and with it so many more opportunities...?? Am I becoming like those…'concerned' people......cant you se how friggin confused I am right now......fuckin don’t know what I’m saying..........FUCKKK!!!!!!!!!
Get lost......everyone...just get out of my life...leave me alone.......hate me.......kill me....do whatever you want.... JUST GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE...please let me die in peace...!!!

A person is the best when he's with soemthing he's in love with.

She had said this to me just a few minutes ago..........sweet seconds ago.
That was my Kiddo...a person..who showed me what true love is. How it can be the most selfish and unselfish thing in the world ...all at the very same time. For one second I am just Arul, writing to get the voices out of my head, in the next I'm just something else. But still a psycho.

There was a time, when the maddness was at its highest, when i had decided to stop writing, and go for my studies, full time,. I thought that was me....it bloddy well wasnt.

Then i met her, Philo and she rescued me from my own private hell. She gave me my alter ego's Schizo and Arul. She made me fall in love all over again, with my self and my words.
Earlier i was just another psycopath on his road to self destruction, killing myself, slowly and surely. Choking on my daily dose of morose thoughts and pain, of love and hate. She gave me the wings i needed, to Fly away for some time so i could come back and be someone i could have been, and never would have been, without her.

And now that i actually have it with me, my words, my biggest love i know no one can take it away from me. At one time, When she had left me i thought.....that this time..i would deefinetly loose it. I wrote again...secods after she left.... two posts down..... But i guess...just like you cant stop loving a person...you cant stop loving ...anything.

The love never dies, it just fades away to a corner of your mind.

Just thinking about her sometimes makes me want to cry... but i cant give my self that privilege ............ and what a fuckin privilege it is..aint it.
ya, know... I'm writin this post...only coz she asked me to. For the first time. I'm writing for someone else. This is an ode to her, of my respect, my faith, my happyness, and the most,,,my sadness and love for her. the cutest girl I ever knew. My sweet philosopher. Kiddo ... I hope I will make you proud one day.

Religion, the most debated topic ever. The most talked about subject ever. The biggest killer and the biggest saviour. Instead of talking about religions of the world and their impacts, i would like to talk about...............WHY ..why do we need religion.
is it because it is true....not everyone always belive's taht. is it because we need something to belive in, something much bigger than us or is it just the nbeed for society, something to buil a social order with.

Have you ever been in the dark. Ever sat in the corner of your room with your arrms wrapped around you. Still with fear, fear of the pain. Ever felt the pangs of misery as you see your love slide into someone elses arms, and you let her go, willingly. The stab of jealousy, which just pulls your heart out, makes you cry out in sorrow. Crying at the worthlessness of your life.

Have you ever walked in the rain, ever cried in it. When you cry your tears mix up with the rain and you cannot tell where you are, whether it is your rebirth or the sorrow finally coming through. Just stare up at that cloudy sky and feel the grat pain of the sky as it creaks and roars. Feel the life you have lived, a life of misery and forlorn pleasures. You exist for them, and they exist to hurt you, even if they dont want to.

Lord save my soul from this torture of hell on earth.

Have you ever been in love. I have. It hurt me more than anything else in my life. She was the first person to make me cry. Silent tears that I hid from the world. Men dont cry i used to say to myself, again and again and again. and the very thought of her would rip my heart apart, to hear her use words of affection for someone else brought a pain so great, so raw, so brutal that i cannot describe it. When you fall in love with someone, you learn how to feel all over again. Every rose becomes redder, more fragnant and the thorns bite you worse, the pain becomes overwhelming.
I fell in love. It hurt me.
I dont regret it. Thank you God for doing what happenned to me. I dont think you people woulkd have understood what i said. It's ok. This was just my heart crying out again, as it needed to.

..........Why is it that the people we care so much for...always end up hurting you the worst???!
Why is it taht the people you think about night and day.....whose one tear tears you apart and leaves you helpless till you can make things better for them...whose one wish is the Divine Command ....whose pain is graeter than anything you've ever felt....the need of whose existence deicdes the cause you live for....why are they the ones who hurt us the most and the most often?

Why...just tell me WHY....!!!

Now that im cooling down a little...I can see the answer....as you probabaly already have. They hurt us the most..simply beacuse of the place they have in our lives...every single act they do has a magnified effect on our lives. We tend to ignore or forget acts by other people..but anything these loved ones do...has a very large impact on our life. Thye define us. heir smalles action...reverbrates in our mind...again and again and again.

When they leave us....alone...the pain..I cant explain it. We have all felt it at some time or the other. It just demeans the cause for your life. takes away the objective of your existence.
this is an ode for one such person. And my amaeturish words will never do her justice. She meant a lot to me. She was the first one i opened up to truly. about my feelings. my hopes. my raeasons. but this thing called fate and god would have something else for me. my words mean nothing to me if I cant dedicate them to her in some way or hte other. she was my inspiration. my reason to get back to writing. she was the cause taht brought me happiness when i was saad. the river in the desert...meeting her brought back the light into my life...now I am back where I used to be..where I had slaved for two years. Back to the enveloping hollowness of the darkness that once defined me. Even I dont know if i may ever write again...my light has died. Goodbye Kiddo...

Utopia...........my obsession with it goes back too far to remember. I admit that to an extent I am a Schizophrenic. I fear it the most and also welcome it the most. It sets me free and also binds me in chains.

How can that be, both at once?
I ask the same questions to myself.
Let me explain, at least try.
We all have dreams and passions. These dreams sometimes define our lives. They are the frame about which we build our lives. We dream of certain achievements and the glory and or happiness they will bring us. Some of us like me go a step further. We actually live in that world .Our utopia. And when we see reality we are scared, for our dreamland was far too good. Too satisfying to our mentalities, too close to perfection. And then we become slaves to ourselves. We obsess. Start to hate the world even more. And we are right in a way. It's like being woken rudely from a peaceful sleep.
We all cherish that state of bliss where we live in that parallel universe. There we are free. Free to do anything. But we are slowly becoming slaves to all of this. These dreams of Utopia are just like Drugs and Narcotics for the mind. They induce a false sense of happiness, they call on us to obey them, surrender ourselves to them. They provide us with a sense of well being .A LIE.

What a paradox. Here I am claiming to know their reality when I myself am a slave to this illusion. My utopia has me as a big time author, blessed with the love of the girl I love. I lie in her lap and stare at the stars as we plan our future, sitting on a grassy knoll as the wind blows through her hair.
But reality will never be this way. I am fated to a life that I do not wish to accept. My love will never be mine, she is destined for someone else. For years my heart has bled at the sight of her. But I rejoice in her happiness (or at least seem to think so, is it another illusion).
We all need to find out our illusions. Sometimes we make ourselves accept a situation and then say it was meant to be this way.
WAS IT?

Why,What,Where,When,How .................. just too many questions........and who will give us the answers .................. God supposedly gave us the answers in his great books - Bible, Gita, Upanishads etc.. But I dont believe in them at all times. Better to ask ourselves.

What is love ................ why are we here .................. why do bad thoughts dominate my mind........Why? Why? Why? Why ? Why am I so frustrated?
Love........the most important word in our dictionary probably. Something we all search for and find in some way or the other. What is it really? People say they what it is, I dont believe them. It has a diffrent association for everyone. I dont know much.........too confused....only that you havent known true love till you have had your heart trampled, broken and fucked.
only after you have lost all hope of achieving that which you hold dear will you learn it's importance. After every loss we act like we were idiots to have run after it. But the truth is we are trying to diminish its value in our minds.........brainwashing ourselves. So we do not feel bad that we have lost something precious. It's a lie. We wanted it. It was precious for us. Now we have to live without it. So why not make life a little easier.
Do you know the answer? I am not even sure if I understand what I am asking.
Love gives me wings. It makes me invincible as long as I have to do something for my love. For the reason of my life. But the moment we loose it we come crashing down. Too Bad. Face it ravely and don't lie to yourself. Illusions don't help. Utopia is not real.
Love kills, love gives, love takes. Still it rules supreme.
Maybe it is the reason we live. Only to find more love. Or to spread more love. Or sometimes to destroy love.

When I am in love I want to take care of that person, let her know I am there for her. Feel her presence inside me. Feel her in the air. I want to really know her. What her needs are and what her fears are. Qench her thirst for life. bring her every hapiness I possibly can.
But alas. Something will always marr it. We cannot have this perfection.

We shout at life for being unfair. for taking away my love from me, or denying me my love. but we should also thank life for ever letting that love be there. For letting us know how it feels to surrender yourself to someone else. To take care of and to be taken care off. To have given meaning to life even if for a short while.
We all have an infinite capacity to love.
But do we use it?

Thank you life.......for showing me what true beauty is.


Arul Vanorien

I am walking in the dark..............I dont know where my life is leading me. I don't know what I am going to do for a living. I know I dont want to walk on the path my parents want me too. But do I really have a choice. After all it was me who told them I wanted to study maths. Alas it was too late when I realised how much I hated this Engineering. I have the potential, the resources but not the will. I sub-consciously destroyed my future.

Tell me something ....and I really want your views on this.........why do we punish ourselves?
Some people think it is a measure of self-restraint that will make us harder and thus more capable of survivng this life. Is it really true? Or do we say it just because we believe that hardness is the best sign of anything good.(I dont know how to express this.....so forgive me if I sound stupid or weird). I know some people, myself included, who after going through a tough ordeal in life make themselves promis they will never make the mistake again.
The most common examples involve that four letter word which we all rever and hate the most, our views on it changing periodically. My views on it were different yesterday than what they are today.
Once we have been betrayed in love or life...we feel it was our mistake to let it happen. We should have been more carefull.......we question..Why was I so stupid?Why didnt I see it would end this way? It had happened before, I should have known better.
Then comes our punishment. I will never love again. I will never trust again. I will live life as a loner. I wont let some one else come close to me. I won't be betrayed again.
We say all this and at that point we mean all of it.
It makes me wonder.......is it really suffering that tells us the value of life, of love, of respect, of affection, of forgiveness.
Maybe it does. Maybe it doesnt. I believe there is a balance, in tandem. Suffering and enjoyment teach us the truth.
Enjoyment teaches us the need for itself.........need to respect life. It teaches us the need to respect and appreciate and adore.
Suffering tells us the real value of what we had enjoyed. Once we miss it or regret it.......we can see it more clearly.
Don't know if this was helpfull........but I think I will leave it at this abrupt end.
Thanks for listening.

Arul Vanorien

hmm....All this buzz about Harry Potter really forced me to think.

WHY?

Why is Harry Potter so goddamn famous. Its almost iconic today. If you havent got Harry stuff you just aren't COOL. But why should I have Harry books? They certainely aren't the best ones around.
So why are they the most famous books of our times?

The major reason is the marketting. The people at Bloomsburry jumped on the gun as soon as they saw its potential. And follow it with movies and kidstuff. And Voi-la.....we have a bestseller. Their target audience was a generation of TV bred kids like us. Hardly one out of ten reads. Soon word spread about this new book, the Potter Mania was born and the buzz just got bigger and bigger.

Parents loved it because it taught their children the ' value of reading' but honestly tell me, How many kids whose first book was Harry Potter ever read anything else?

For me Harry Potter is akin to a scar on the fantasy genre of writing. It really doesn't involve the two main ideals of fantasy to a very great deal- Dream(imagination) and Freedom(the creation of another world).

What Rowling has done is to embibe the true myths of many countries into a typical hollywood plot. Add to them just lots of colour without depth and average teen thoroughfare and you get Potter. The young teen who supposedly symbolises all of us.

But no matter how much I may be biased against it I might be wrong. The reason I despise it is because it really steals the fame from other books that are much better in plot, fiction, creation and emotions in everyway.

I myself am a slave for Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time series. Such depth of charecter, such deep politics, the reality of his fiction is unnerving. The true humane weaknesses and strength of his charecters leave me spellbound , the way RAnd Al'Thor rises from a mere shephard to the Dragon Reborn and rewrites all history. SPELLBINDING. Also the colours of all the cultures and groups with their political ambitions is amazing. It would take a master to think such plotlines up. When I first read the first book of the series I thought it would end in the next book, but no 11 books and it still hasnt ended . At at no place is it a drag. The plot keeps on dragging you in. Ah and as budding author I just can stop from mentioning the fact that the names in his books are amazing, Rand Al'Thor, Perrin,Lan Mandragon,Sightblinder,Moghedion,Moiraine,Lanfear etc..

I must say I enjoyed reading the harr potter books a bit, but only because I like things very easily, but it pales in comparison to Tolkien, Jordan or Pullman.

Please do give your comments. I eagerly await them.

Arul Vanorien