and in ways, manners and at tiems that you could never imagine ...
Here i was .. thinking idbeen cheated out of emotions by life .. thinking that this one woman had trammled my soul so down deep into the eart hthat it was almost impossible for me to feel any emotions ......
well she called ... then i called ... we talked ... we chatted .... we laughed ... we hada good time
Still no emotions .. all seems to be going as expected...
then enters into picture the little lady ..... all of a sudden .. like a powerblast that knowcks the wind out of me .. i thought id faded her out of my life for my own good ... it seems not ... it seems that some people you can try to forget .. but your heart never wanders away from them .... its like theyre part of the air you breathe everyday ... and since youve been doing it over and over again for the hwole of your life .. you dont realise it until you do realise it ........... for no rhyme and reason ... this little lady ... can shatter me deep ... destroy my show of exuberence and confidence ....
how around her .. i jsut turn into a little guy ..... wodnering where hes at .. wondering if she didnt trerat him right if he didnt treat her right .... knwoing that theres always that little tension tying the two souls together .. knwoing that ill always be jealous of every eye that lands on her .... knowing that i can be happy away from her ... knowing that she can .. and does ... push something in my mind that brigns back all these memories ... knowing that she cares for me ... knwoing that she will forgive my mistakes for my past graces ...... and i feel guilty for taking advantage of that .............. and then i feel sad .... not depressed ... but on the verge of the cliff and not exactly falling off ... its the one split econd before the fall when ur just staring into the deaths of the abyss and trying to conure into your mind what will happen to you when you do fall ..........
somehow knowing that shed rather spend tiem with her other friend .. who cares more for her than me ............. a fact ........... kills me deep inside .........i dont give a fuck about her boyfriend .......... somehow ... that epic line i once said but never believed reverbarates in side my head again and again like a roar ........ "it hurts so much more to loose then friend in you than the girl i loved" ................. here is the one girl .. who can somehow arouse any emotions in me ........ someone who can touch my heart with a single smile and suddenly i know im alive ........... pain makes you feel so alive ............ she takes me for all that i am .. an idiotic possesive uncaring lunatic ........... and she cares ... even if not like she once did .... but then ..... i odnt even deserve that ..........
i really dont know whats the point of this rant .................. is it that i wanna get with her .... i guess not .... that would never work and shed never want me if i did ............. no .. somehow .. the relationship angle isnt hte one thats btoehring me .. and i dont really know what is ..... its a little nagging sensation in my head .. that keeps tellign me .. im close to finding out whats bothering me ...........................
is the fact that i dont take care of her like i once did ............. maybe .... is it because im jealous of her BF .... i hardly believe that ... i dont care about him .... i am jealous .. but barely ... its not like if she were single id be kneeling down before her .. atleast i think not .......
is it the fact that im jealous of this new friend of hers ......... ive always been more jealous of her Best Friends than anyone hwo was into her ... got no other boyfriends ever xcpt ayaz for me to be jealous of so i really dont know ................ but what i do know is ... im more ... i guess
i guess im JUST FUCKIN PISSED AT MYSELF FOR LETTING THINGS GET THIS WAYYY!!!!!!
If i wanted distance then why am i fucking them up now ..... but more importantly ........... if i did illtreat her .... why the fuck did i do that .......... and what am i gonna do now .......................
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FUCK!!
FUCK!!!
FUCK!!!!
FUCK!!
FUCK!!!
FUCK!!!!
i dont deserve my kiddo .... and i miss her .... and i hate myself .......... thankgod no one reads this goddamned journal xcpt u 3-4
